I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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