How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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