Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
