what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
ttyl tear gas
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
