I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
