By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
