you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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