Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
