How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
