So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
