Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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