Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
