fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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