she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
