oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I lost the right to judge tonight
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You left your phone here
Wait...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
