remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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