Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found your dick twin last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
