Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
