Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
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I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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