I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently you make a good broom.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
