My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
