Michael Bay diarrhea
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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