I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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