I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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