You really coming over, don't trick.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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