have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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