Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
