i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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