I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You need Xanax blowdarts
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
