If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
