why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize