Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
