ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
