Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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