He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
