he wants to bone in the snuggie
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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