He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
