Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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