her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
