There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
