her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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