OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
