I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
