Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
