I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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