I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
