Soap is not a condiment
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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