woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm always down for nudity.
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