you have to choose: penises or morals?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
