god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
