I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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