I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
