just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
the liver wants what the liver wants
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
