Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
