mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
